Everlasting Love

Standard

IMG_3059

I was 4 years old the first time I fell in love. His name was Mackie and he was older. I would sit at my window and watch him throw the baseball with his Dad. My mom has told me that after some time I worked out when he would be outside and I would go to the window a few minutes before and call out to him. “Mackie, oh Mackie where are you? Mackie, I love you.” Sometimes he would look at me and wave. I experienced our “romance” from the inside looking out and he experienced it from the outside looking in.

Something I have heard so often in my life: “You’re too young to know what love is.” To that I say BULLSHIT. Love knows no age. Mackie was the most uncomplicated romance I have ever participated in.

Relationships are challenging and lately I’ve struggled to get to the core of what makes them so difficult. There are tons of relationship experts and websites that take a lot of your money to give you information about compatibility or match you with someone who is right for you and yada yada yada…

When you get to the heart of it compatibility is just a word and like so many other words we assign it a certain meaning without realizing how clinging to meanings can limit us.

We enter into new relationships completely enchanted by the other person and their magic but after some time we expect their magic to be the same as our magic. We expect them to be just like us. And so begins the power struggle.

Realizing the other person is not like us, we usually try to become more like them. And in some cases the roles switch and they try to become more like us. This dance can go back and forth for a while. When none of this works we either call it quits or we cheat and then we repeat the same pattern with a new partner.

By not honoring one another’s individual magic we are poisoning the foundation on which the relationship is built. I have to question if there is a need inside of us to have someone love us exactly as we love do we truly love ourselves?

In healthy relationships there is an equal amount of give and take. Two people have the ability to put themselves to the side for a moment and tune their dial to match the frequency of their partner. But if you have never known a healthy relationship it can be near impossible to recognize an unhealthy relationship.

So say your partner is the logical, practical type and you are the artistic, emotional, head in the clouds type. Your partner brings you your coffee every morning and works 10 hour days to earn a nice income and support you but emotionally they lack the expressive nature that is so deeply engrained in you. Because they don’t give of their love the same way you do you begin to believe it doesn’t exist. At least not to the degree that your love exists.

They are loving you SO HARD in their own way but because you lack the ability to see it you are frustrated.

You tell them you feel unloved. They feel utterly insulted… “but I work 10 hours a day to provide for you. I bring coffee to you every morning when I wake you. I lock all the doors at night to make sure you are safe.”

Since you show your love in words and romantic expression you do not recognize these things your partner has pointed out as love. You tell them their way of loving is wrong. The truth is you are wrong. The problem is you think you are right. (By “you” I mean me too).

17759718_1249233365113237_3764898259635339559_n

The Biggest O

Standard
18698170_1298588163511090_3980109727495586844_n

I never imagined I would be publicly discussing sex but here I am.. all empowered and unashamed. So… where to begin… Hmmm..

I didn’t have an orgasm until I was 25 years old. I had faked plenty prior to that but up to that point, I was having sex that was permitted but not wanted. In other words, I was only agreeing to it out of a desperate need to be loved… so of course I didn’t enjoy allowing someone to use me.

It wasn’t until I was with someone who truly understood my body and cared as much about first, me as a person but also as much about my pleasure as his own that it finally happened for me. Before then I really didn’t see what all the fuss was about. I was always glad for it to end quickly.

We have been conditioned to believe that sexual pleasure is bad or evil. That’s a load of shit, guys. Orgasms are pure. I think on some level I had been holding on to some shame. I say I’m immune to shame and although on the surface that appears to be true, deep down I had lacked the ability to let go.

Continue reading

Karma Crash

Standard

18581548_1292434777459762_8905021944796880459_n

I  know it’s been a while. I’ve been with the soul searching.. and over the weekend I experienced something so absolutely insane that I decided I should come out of hibernation and document it.

Saturday morning I went to do the grocery shopping. I was standing in line and as you saw from my tweet… someone skipped line and the guy behind me was furious. I actually pulled out my phone and tweeted about it because he was awkwardly lecturing me about how life would not go well for me if I kept letting people walk all over me. I told him that was not the case. “The universe is water sir, it likes to flow. So if someone skips me in line, I just accept that and consider perhaps I needed to be delayed by a few minutes. If you have been so horribly inconvenienced please, go ahead of me.” So he did.

I paid for my things and left the store in time to see him squeal tires leaving the parking lot and made it to the intersection by my house just as his ambulance was arriving. Someone ran the red light and t boned his small sports car. It was smashed to bits and he was conscious but bleeding.

I got through the intersection, pulled my car to the side of the road and burst into tears. THAT shit just happened.

I bet he will remember me for the rest of his life.

17759718_1249233365113237_3764898259635339559_n

This is where it ends.

Standard

165724194

I’m stuck. I’m almost 32 years old, and I am still stuck when I try to tell the story of how my sexuality was shaped. I envy people who can freely talk about such things. It’s just not something that comes easily to me. Some days I wish I could have an open and engaging conversation about sexuality just like I can about Star Trek. God, that would make life so much easier.

For so long in my life, I thought that sex was something to be feared or ashamed of. From the first moment that I was asked not to “tell, cause then we will just get into trouble…” to this very moment, I have been one twisted, mental fuck-up when it comes to anything sexual. And that really, really sucks.

Continue reading

Helping Hearts

Standard

As coincidences go, I was gathering stories to cover for sexual assault awareness month and reconnected with a friend of mine from school. Meet Heather:

17858047_1250439401659300_1864229701_n

How adorable is she? Heather mentioned that she loved the posts from our site and so I asked what she had been up to. I know a lot of you are familiar with Younique. It’s the company with the amazing cosmetics. I’m sure at least one of your Facebook friends sales Younique. What you probably did not know is that Youinque has a non-profit called The Younique Foundation.  This foundation supports survivors of childhood sexual abuse through The Haven Retreat. This 4 day retreat focuses on activities that help survivors of sexual abuse in their healing. From their website:

Our message to survivors is clear: You are worth the effort required to find wholeness. Freedom from the fear and shame of abuse is possible. We will help you reclaim what was taken—helping you to find healing and love for life. Wholeness doesn’t just happen. You deserve to be free from the pain of the sexual abuse you have suffered and we can help.

Heather impressed me so much. I was so proud to hear her speak about her work and the pride she takes in it.

“I’ve had a blast doing this. People think I’m doing this just for money but it’s so much more! The mission of the company is to uplift, empower, and validate women!!!”  Heather Collins  8503790_300x300

 I contacted Heather to let her know I was about to finish up this post and she informed me that she was giving away all of her commission this month to another classmate of ours who is having a difficult time. I have tears pouring down my face right now. This is Hunter Black:

518f9d1d-2e35-4eec-a171-6b97f9f51c21_profile

Hunter and I went to school together and he is seriously one of the good ones. We were even boyfriend and girlfriend for a whole week in 7th grade! Hunter was diagnosed with Lyme Disease after being bitten by a tick in the summer of 2007. A campaign has been created through Youcaring.com to accept donations for Hunter’s care. From the Youcaring site:

Hunter Black used to be a healthy, strong, lively young man until the summer of 2007 when he got bitten by a tick. We created this page to help raise funds for his Lyme treatment and to raise awareness around his condition.

He is going to see Dr.Raxlen, a Lyme specialist in New York, NY on May 8th, 2017 and his treatment protocol will last around 18-24 months.

Lyme disease is starting to take over every aspect of Hunter’s life. He is in constant pain and discomfort and now he is starting to lose the ability to walk and talk normally. He is progressing fast and needs help quickly.

To support Hunter Black as he seeks treatment for Lyme Disease CLICK HERE

For more information on Younique Cosmetics contact Heather Collins. CLICK HERE to be directed to her website.

For More information on The Haven Retreat for survivors of sexual abuse CLICK HERE

Here’s to those with helping hearts. They make this existence a little more bearable.

17759718_1249233365113237_3764898259635339559_n

Before You Go…

Standard

10303176_723223681047544_101517070328805995_n

Remember that kid? The one who thought you hung the moon… Mom said when I was born and I finally opened my eyes, it was you who was holding me. I saw you first. The first time I questioned your involvement in the hanging of the moon was the night I heard you and Mom fighting. She was crying SO hard and you were telling her she was making a fool of herself and that she was crazy. I was very young but I laid in my bed and listened to you and I cried with her. I didn’t understand how you could be so cruel. She loved you so much. I thought: If I were her I would slap him. As an adult I understand that her emotional vulnerability threatened you. Just like mine does now that I am all grown up.

Continue reading

So You’re A Doormat. Now What?

Standard

IMG_9558.PNG

Well, I don’t know really… now what? Onward I guess.

Until now my writing has been about how horribly misunderstood I have felt. How I have allowed people to control my emotions.

Leaving Victimville. And umm. So yeah. That’s where I’m at right now.

Love you all… The 3 of you I still speak to regularly. And to new friends: Man I’m excited to know you.

Xoxo

-m