Stone Cold

Standard

0D256784-134F-435E-A19A-0CCB724213B7

I haven’t felt anything for almost 72 hours. I always feel so intensely and consistently. So it’s weird. Numbness makes me feel so naked… Well, more like something is missing than an actual emotion.. I even keep thinking I am forgetting something every time I leave the house.

Like, who am I if I am not constantly having to decipher the difference between your feelings and mine? Because I feel so deeply that I feel most of your shit too. And now: NOTHING.

In a single moment earlier this week, I felt the heartbreak of a thousand lovers all at once… and it moved straight through me, left me gasping for air. Then, it was replaced with a giant dose of IDGAF.

Welcome to the danger zone. A selfless heart just turned to Stone.

E7CD2A70-AD0A-413A-8DD4-2FBF9D463B62

Subtle Manipulation

Standard

IMG_1044

I’m like a total ninja at spotting manipulation these days.. I can feel it. So it was really confusing to feel manipulation when someone seemed to be caring for me. That’s because they didn’t truly care about what they claimed to.

It’s called FALSE CONCERN. This is what false concern sounds like:

“Well it’s your decision, I just worry about you.” -that is to make you doubt your ability to make a choice.

“If you love him I am happy for you. I just don’t want you hurt.” -to make you doubt yourself and your choice in a partner.

It’s like subtle disapproval and it can be so subtle that it’s hard to pin point exactly what it is that feels so slimy. It could also be an attempt to get a reaction out of you. In the examples I mentioned above, most people would defend their decisions and in doing so give out even more information. But that is exactly what the individual expressing false concern wants. In a situation where you are dealing with a highly manipulative, narcissistic type more information would just give them another angle… another way to try and discredit you and cause you to doubt your ability to choose for yourself.

If statements like these are made and you did not ask the person for their opinion, it’s likely manipulation. Especially if it comes right after excessive flattery.

“You are such a smart person and you are so pretty. You could have any guy you want. I just don’t want you to look up one day and regret staying with (insert name here).”

Manipulation is learned. If someone has done this to you, it’s possible that they grew up in an environment where manipulation was just how the members of their family got their needs met. Also, if you grew up being manipulated you are less likely to notice when it happens because it feels so familiar.

I don’t think every person who uses these tactics is 100% conscious of the manipulation but they do know they aren’t acting authentically. If they were they would either support your choices or say nothing.

Don’t take that shit from anyone. Call them out on it. Like:

“When you say things like that about my life choices it almost seems like you are trying to plant doubt in my mind. Maybe you didn’t realize that but from now on I would appreciate if you keep those thoughts to yourself. It makes me uncomfortable when you say things like that.”

 

Most Awkward Human Being Alive

Standard

IMG_8544

The first time I met with my therapist he was telling me that because of my upbringing, I have been in fight or flight mode for most of my life. I was devastated by this and because of that I started feeling awkward. So what did I do? I BURST INTO SONG. Should I Stay Or Should I Go by The Clash seemed most appropriate. And what did he do? STARTED SINGING ALONG WITH ME.

Thank God for the awkward.

Yes I Am Crazy, Yes You Can Have Some

Standard

1501144331667

This has been a big year for me. I woke up to a lot of the shit in my life that had been holding me back. I realized a lot. It was like an aha moment…
1501798432505Everything started making sense. When I look back to the start of the year, I can tell that getting to this place was inevitable.

I  had no idea when I wrote Crazy Bitch that I was describing narcissistic abuse… but I was.. almost as if the experiences I outlined came from a text book.

There is a lot of information online about children of narcissist and the wounds suffered but there hasn’t been much written about the dynamic that arises when an adult child of a narcissist becomes a single parent.

I plan to go there. It’s important because I know I am not the only one who has experienced this. The way the narcissistic Grandparent tries to put you in a position of being jealous of your own child by withholding love from you and focusing all their attention on the grandchild needs to be talked about. Of course many of us won’t fall for that fucked up shit but that doesn’t stop the narcissistic parent from trying.

The way the grandchild is manipulated and attempts are made to turn your child against you needs to be talked about.

The way help is offered to you under the guise of love and concern when the true motive has nothing to do with either needs to be talked about.

I’m hoping that these posts will find their way to other people who have experienced or are experiencing these types of situations. It is important to me to let people know they are not alone.

In closing I want to say that I love my parents… I do.. for who they truly are… the narcissistic personality is not them.. it emerged in an attempt to mask their pain… I believe that they do the best they can but on my journey to consciousness I saw the patterns that were playing out in my family and I have made the decision to remove myself from the game.

The scapegoat escaped.

IMG_8257

 

You’ll Know When

Standard

1501858129617

Meet Britain. Britain is my little. He’s been on this earth 3 years but his soul is likely older than mine.

Baths are one of the things Britain and I have done together since he was a wee little man. I could always calm him if I nursed him in the bathtub and when I quit nursing we just carried on having baths together. It saved water and as he got older he would take that opportunity to open up. We usually talked about feelings or that damn Jace who is always knocking his blocks down at school.

In all the unsolicited parenting advice I was given people would tell me that I would know when it was time to stop taking baths with my little boy. They said that one day he would reach a certain age where it was no longer appropriate and I would just know.

I think last night was our last bath together.

I put Britain outside the tub so I could lay back and rinse the shampoo from my hair. He’s standing over me looking down.

He says: “I love when you lay like that.”

“Why is that, B?”

“Because I can see EVERYTHING.”

Yep. That about does it for me. Here’s to the end of an era.

Beautiful Dreamer

Standard

IMG_8143

Beautiful dreamer

Dreaming beautiful dreams

I know you’re in pain

But nothing is as it seems

You haven’t lost me

I’m always right here

In your heart

In your mind

I’m the salt in your  tears

I’ve known this was coming

The storm after the calm

But there will come a day

When our suffering becomes our psalm

…All You Are is The Moon…

 

 

It’s NOT Just “A Girl Thing”

Standard

19875534_1338848802818359_7815570877305545657_n

As the abuse of sexual power goes, females play a larger role than most people realize. Sexual coercion occurs when someone uses pressure or emotional force to get a person to agree to sex. Studies have documented that victims of sexual coercion can suffer from anxiety, depression and PTSD. It is possible to say yes and not mean yes. Below is a personal account of sexual coercion in the words of the person who was manipulated. Questions for the author can be directed to me HERE. He wishes to remain anonymous for now. 

The idea that all guys want as much sex as they can get is completely false. For as long as I can remember I have wanted my first time to be saved for someone really special. I always imagined meeting someone and being totally taken by her., delighting in the realization that our feelings matched and the fall afterword being irresistible… there being nothing we wanted more than to spend every moment together. Like we were the only two people in the world. What actually happened was not like that at all.

I met her in the apartment building I lived in. I was 22 at the time and she was 19. Although I mostly kept to myself while I lived there, I had run into her a couple of times in the first few weeks. We would talk while doing laundry and we seemed to have a lot in common. We got along really well right from the get go. I quickly came to enjoy her for her friendliness and dry humor and the crazy stories she would tell me. The more we talked, the closer we grew and before long we were hanging out in each other’s apartments and talking about our lives, listening to each other’s music and eating together.  It was a nice friendship and then things got complicated when she became physically attracted to me.

Continue reading