Karma Crash

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I  know it’s been a while. I’ve been with the soul searching.. and over the weekend I experienced something so absolutely insane that I decided I should come out of hibernation and document it.

Saturday morning I went to do the grocery shopping. I was standing in line and as you saw from my tweet… someone skipped line and the guy behind me was furious. I actually pulled out my phone and tweeted about it because he was awkwardly lecturing me about how life would not go well for me if I kept letting people walk all over me. I told him that was not the case. “The universe is water sir, it likes to flow. So if someone skips me in line, I just accept that and consider perhaps I needed to be delayed by a few minutes. If you have been so horribly inconvenienced please, go ahead of me.” So he did.

I paid for my things and left the store in time to see him squeal tires leaving the parking lot and made it to the intersection by my house just as his ambulance was arriving. Someone ran the red light and t boned his small sports car. It was smashed to bits and he was conscious but bleeding.

I got through the intersection, pulled my car to the side of the road and burst into tears. THAT just happened. I bet he will remember me for the rest of his life.

Nice to meet you. My name is Karma.

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This is where it ends.

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I’m stuck. I’m almost 32 years old, and I am still stuck when I try to tell the story of how my sexuality was shaped. I envy people who can freely talk about such things. It’s just not something that comes easily to me. Some days I wish I could have an open and engaging conversation about sexuality just like I can about Star Trek. God, that would make life so much easier.

For so long in my life, I thought that sex was something to be feared or ashamed of. From the first moment that I was asked not to “tell, cause then we will just get into trouble…” to this very moment, I have been one twisted, mental fuck-up when it comes to anything sexual. And that really, really sucks.

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Helping Hearts

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As coincidences go, I was gathering stories to cover for sexual assault awareness month and reconnected with a friend of mine from school. Meet Heather:

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How adorable is she? Heather mentioned that she loved the posts from our site and so I asked what she had been up to. I know a lot of you are familiar with Younique. It’s the company with the amazing cosmetics. I’m sure at least one of your Facebook friends sales Younique. What you probably did not know is that Youinque has a non-profit called The Younique Foundation.  This foundation supports survivors of childhood sexual abuse through The Haven Retreat. This 4 day retreat focuses on activities that help survivors of sexual abuse in their healing. From their website:

Our message to survivors is clear: You are worth the effort required to find wholeness. Freedom from the fear and shame of abuse is possible. We will help you reclaim what was taken—helping you to find healing and love for life. Wholeness doesn’t just happen. You deserve to be free from the pain of the sexual abuse you have suffered and we can help.

Heather impressed me so much. I was so proud to hear her speak about her work and the pride she takes in it.

“I’ve had a blast doing this. People think I’m doing this just for money but it’s so much more! The mission of the company is to uplift, empower, and validate women!!!”  Heather Collins  8503790_300x300

 I contacted Heather to let her know I was about to finish up this post and she informed me that she was giving away all of her commission this month to another classmate of ours who is having a difficult time. I have tears pouring down my face right now. This is Hunter Black:

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Hunter and I went to school together and he is seriously one of the good ones. We were even boyfriend and girlfriend for a whole week in 7th grade! Hunter was diagnosed with Lyme Disease after being bitten by a tick in the summer of 2007. A campaign has been created through Youcaring.com to accept donations for Hunter’s care. From the Youcaring site:

Hunter Black used to be a healthy, strong, lively young man until the summer of 2007 when he got bitten by a tick. We created this page to help raise funds for his Lyme treatment and to raise awareness around his condition.

He is going to see Dr.Raxlen, a Lyme specialist in New York, NY on May 8th, 2017 and his treatment protocol will last around 18-24 months.

Lyme disease is starting to take over every aspect of Hunter’s life. He is in constant pain and discomfort and now he is starting to lose the ability to walk and talk normally. He is progressing fast and needs help quickly.

To support Hunter Black as he seeks treatment for Lyme Disease CLICK HERE

For more information on Younique Cosmetics contact Heather Collins. CLICK HERE to be directed to her website.

For More information on The Haven Retreat for survivors of sexual abuse CLICK HERE

Here’s to those with helping hearts. They make this existence a little more bearable.

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Before You Go…

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Remember that kid? The one who thought you hung the moon… Mom said when I was born and I finally opened my eyes, it was you who was holding me. I saw you first. The first time I questioned your involvement in the hanging of the moon was the night I heard you and Mom fighting. She was crying SO hard and you were telling her she was making a fool of herself and that she was crazy. I was very young but I laid in my bed and listened to you and I cried with her. I didn’t understand how you could be so cruel. She loved you so much. I thought: If I were her I would slap him. As an adult I understand that her emotional vulnerability threatened you. Just like mine does now that I am all grown up.

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So You’re A Doormat. Now What?

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Well, I don’t know really… now what? Onward I guess.

Until now my writing has been about how horribly misunderstood I have felt. How I have allowed people to control my emotions.

Leaving Victimville. And umm. So yeah. That’s where I’m at right now.

Love you all… The 3 of you I still speak to regularly. And to new friends: Man I’m excited to know you.

Xoxo

-m

Virginity

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As the abuse of sexual power goes, females play a larger role than most people realize. Sexual coercion occurs when someone uses pressure or emotional force to get a person to agree to sex. Studies have documented that victims of sexual coercion can suffer from anxiety, depression and PTSD. It is possible to say yes and not mean yes. Below is a personal account of sexual coercion in the words of the person who was manipulated:

I met her in the apartment building I lived in. I was 22 at the time and she was 19. Although I mostly kept to myself while I lived there, I had run into her a couple of times in the first few weeks. We would talk while doing laundry and we seemed to have a lot in common. We got along really well right from the get go. I quickly came to enjoy her for her friendliness and dry humor and the crazy stories she would tell me. The more we talked, the closer we grew and before long we were hanging out in each other’s apartments and talking about our lives, listening to each other’s music and eating together.  It was a nice friendship and then things got complicated when she became physically attracted to me.

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