A World Inside A Person

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Tonight I told my homeless, disabled father he could not crash at my house. Watched him carry his suitcase out the door with him. I’m a bitch for that, right?

Maybe… But…

I have ignored my heart for the majority of my life. It hurt so bad sometimes I could not think of anything but death or a way out.. I could not WAIT to die. spent hours watching 1000 ways to die for ideas… then spent loads more time watching murders because here on the Prison Planet, there is an entire channel dedicated to people killing one another. I have been doing stream of consciousness exercises. i have been working so hard on myself and so many of you have done an awesome job getting me here by disagreeing with me and helping me see. I appreciate you talking to me straight and respecting me as a peer and not sparing me because of my emotional state. You all know exactly who you are. And there are many of you who are very important. I have known this and just did not know how to tell any of you what I know. You are usually telling me I am not right. But maybe now we will all realize that I am not wrong either.

This has all been an attempt to get my inner world to the outer world. I try and try and dance around it because I can never truly express it. each time i would try it was rejected, and rejected and rejected… It is 6:30am here at my house. I have not slept. I “battled” 16 demons tonight. Perhaps I should call it the battle at Meyers-Briggs. I had 16 demons to face and i have been so sick and felt my head might explode. But, I think these worlds can finally meet half way between black and white… 50 shades of gray that have nothing to do with sex… but then again, everything to do with sex. But not the kind of sex that is naked and actually having sex… This is not the physical, this is the emotional. We talk in code here.. get used to it.

William Faulkner is an author inside my world.. he wrote As I lay Dying and A Rose for Emily.. and some other little works some of you may be aware of. This night felt like the exorcism of Emily Rose… So how perfect that Faulkner sent her a rose. She needs to get well soon.

Faulkner’s most important piece inside my story is his story of a family traveling across Mississippi to bury their mother. It was not an easy journey… for instance, the sister became pregnant by a priest who gave her $10 for an abortion. Faulkner named that priest character Whitfield. It is kind of strange… I have felt sure I was headed straight for the state insane asylum. The shame and the pain started when I was no longer welcome in Sunday school. Perhaps I was shunned for a reason…. I have just been losing my religion.  I have been in the corner like a shadow… if only i had a spotlight. Wait… is that a song? ha. never mind… although inside my world there are songs too. Many of them.

There is so much power in this it is frightening for me. I know why i have been rejected it is because I am a loaded weapon and I should come with a trigger warning. Not ME of course but EM… i mean… my dyslexia is kicking in again…

If I am going to get the rest of this story out, I need help. Which has always been impossible for me to ask for… but I am tired. I never learned how to take care of myself so I have been scrambling to take care of everyone else because I didn’t know what showing myself love looked like… or I was taught to believe that it was selfish… and I learned that I owed something to others in my family… it has bled me almost dry. . All the emotional black mail. It was making me so sick. I have been slowly slipping away but I just trust that my tribe has my back after I write this. I have to hope. I didn’t die for so long to get put in a box and covered with the ground. my best attempt to communicate this inner world to the outer is this:

The boys are lost in Neverland and the girls are asleep in Wonderland.. their pain has made it dark and now it is just slumberland. They need each other to rewrite their story so tinkerbell knows she has to be brave. She swallows that red pill down. Just one more pill shoved down her throat.. she is scared of it because those things nearly killed her… but now she would rather die than continue the wrong way.. so she chooses red over blue and she finally wakes up… but she is different. She has no wings.. Now, she is just a lost boy from Neverland. She has to find Alice and Wendy and get back to the ship with everyone without drowning. She battles Captain Hook. he is a destroyer. He takes her down and others do all they can to lift her up but most just find it is never enough… so they wander on.. why won’t they wonder she will never understand.. she wonders if they really even can. She has almost taken that old hook down a thousand times…. But she grows weaker as he grows stronger. She’ll soon meet her demise… unless, her army rises up to battle with her or for her… but most usually just want to battle against her.

Was this just a movie when Tink was a girl… title it Hook with some Robin Williams swirl. Since we are talking in code lets name Pan’s son Jack. Make Tink look like Julia Roberts… Tink knows who would like that.

Tink will do anything just to get Jack back. Sprinkle some fairy dust all over his head… kiss him goodnight and tuck him in bed. She’s missed him for so long.. her heart has been broken SO MUCH… will they ever get to know how it feels to be touched?

Tink longs for a land beyond just the two… a house with a white picked fence and an ocean front with a view.

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