Back in November 2015, I was going through a LOT. My body was still adjusting after having a baby in January, and I was also dealing with a huge life change of my parents coming back into my life after a 9 year separation. At this time, my parents were still going to the same church that I grew up in, but it was under different leadership since the former cult leader had been removed from office.
My mom was asking me a lot to come attend church with them whenever we were in town, and I kept turning her down. I couldn’t bring myself to go into a church service in a place that had caused me so much confusion and turmoil in my formative years! I even explained to her that I don’t visit churches any longer, even though numerous friends ask me to join them all the time. I wanted her to know that it wasn’t just HER church I didn’t want to attend.
Whenever I am having an internal conflict or whenever I feel as though the world is barging into my personal space, I tend to have some really bizarre dreams. Early one morning, I woke in a cold sweat from a nightmare. It was like most nightmares, a random and rapid flickering of stressful events that I had to overcome. As soon as I woke up, I couldn’t stay in bed. I got up and about and was pacing in our living area, when I realized that I needed to get this dream written down before it went from my mind completely.
I opened my computer and poured it all out. I saved the document to my desktop and literally forgot about it for a year and a half. I opened it up the other day to see what the document was, and I was floored with how much detail I remembered from the dream.
Overall, the biggest lesson that this dream brought was that I have to always keep fighting for what it right for me, no matter how much it will make others uncomfortable. It also made me realize how important it was to stand firm to my convictions and decisions just like everyone around me stood with theirs.
I still don’t know why I chose to go back. It wasn’t permanently, but I visited to make her happy. They wanted to make me feel welcome, so I was given the task of walking about and counting how many people were there. It was more than I had ever seen. I had to stop counting at 90, and there were still many pouring in. Most were faces from my past, but many were faces from my present. What were they all doing here?
Everyone acted so differently. Loud and boisterous. Openly sinning, yet with a pious face. One of the men visibly walked out right after the beginning of the service. He strolled out the door and climbed into a shiny black limo filled with call girls. He laughingly said, “I’ll be back for my part at the end.” right before speeding off.
Once I couldn’t count anymore, I went to sit next to my family. People tried to lay their hands on top of my head and pour oil down over my face, but I kept moving their hands away. When I got frustrated, I slapped a hand away, and she flew into a rage. I reminded her that I was not here to participate, only observe. She did not understand.
A letter was dropped into my lap and a former coworker had outlined everything she thought I had done wrong in my life and how I could correct it.
I had enough. I stood and walked out for the second and very last time of my life.
I ran into two other coworkers outside about to leave in a car. I asked if I could come along and I was laughed at. I wandered into some restaurants until my best friend’s mom found me and asked me if I was ok. She remain unchanged back to the old ways, and my heart immediately trusted her.
I sat down with her and showed her everything I knew so far about the past. She told me I had some good stuff, but I needed more. She disappeared almost as soon as she came, and I had the distinct feeling that she was trying to avoid detection.
I made it to a remote set of buildings in the desert. They seemed abandoned and I began to head through them. Broken beds, broken chairs, scenes from lives lived here, but whose lives? It definitely seemed to be a remote sort of compound, and I felt ghosts whispering all about me.
We came to a small building that housed some offices. Boxes and papers were strewn on the floor. I began going through one of the boxes and found a series of files that contained photos. They were all of the people I knew and loved while growing up. They were in bizarre poses, with strange makeup and spiked hair.
Their eyes were glassy, and clearly they were drugged. The door at the front that I had locked behind me began shaking as something pounded against it.
I gathered as many of the photos I could before I began running for the back entrance. The door now behind me flew open and they were in full pursuit. The young men I had crushed on as a child were now chasing me with guns and crazed expressions.
I made it to the back entrance, but my heart sank as I saw some more waiting outside to the left where the back drive curved back around to the front. Still being chased, I was determined more than ever to get out of there and set the cold awful truth free to the world.
They were closing in so quickly, but I could see my car just ahead. I made it to the vehicle, and I was able to slide and in start the engine in one fluid motion. It roared to life and I started toward the winding road between the two caverns that led me here.
I heard bullets hit the sand behind my car, but none touched it. I made it to the main road with many large armored vehicles in pursuit behind me. I heard a roar of a plane right ahead and an achy sorrow started in my belly and began rising through the rest of my body.
“This is the end,” I thought. “They have me now.” The plane roared over my car and went out ahead of me. So low to the ground, I could barely believe it remained off the ground. Rockets flew from its belly toward the road ahead of me, but my car seemed to know the exact maneuvers to steer clear. My only mission was to keep driving, so that’s what I did. I could see where they had portions of the road blocked off in an effort to steer me in a certain way, but I flew through and past the barricades. I had to get to an area of higher traffic so they would stop shooting at me.
When I made it to the main highway, I was able to lose myself in traffic and head back to where I knew I would be safe. I poured over all the information I had found, and I knew I had enough. I gathered it all together in the correct order and headed to meet the master of spies. He would help me get it out to the world.
And for the first time in my life, I felt the presence of God covering my life and carrying me to safety.