To The One Who Tried To End It

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Oh dear friend. I am sure that there was a day you looked in the mirror and never thought that you would reach the end. You thought that you would always find that one reason to get up each morning. Maybe it was work, or your children, or your marriage or maybe it just was the mere fact that you feared death too much.

Sure you had your down days. You had the days that you purely melted down. Maybe you broke down and cried in the shower letting the water wash over you and wishing it would wash you away with all the pain that you felt deep inside.  Maybe you went to bed at night and took sleeping pills hoping that maybe you wouldn’t wake in the morning then when you did you weren’t sure if you were relieved or not. Maybe you came home to an empty home and picked up a dish smashing it in pieces then sinking to the floor in a mess of tears falling asleep on the floor.  Maybe you cut yourself off from friends and hobbies.  You secluded yourself.  You never opened your blinds and never wanted to see the sun.  Maybe you preferred to sleep instead of be awake. Maybe it was all to easy to pour another glass of vodka and down another pain pill to keep the hurt away.

Slowly the bad days outnumbered the good days. Your friends withered away. They didn’t notice that you were not around much and then you realized they wouldn’t notice if you were gone all together. All of a sudden you started to realize that there was not really a reason for you to stay around. You occupied your time piecing together why you should stay and there wasn’t many reasons on the list. Soon you justified those away. Soon you carefully put together your perfect plan of just how you wanted things to be once you were gone. I mean, some day you were going to die. That is something that does happen to everyone. You wrote notes to those you cared about and picked out your outfit perhaps.  You tied up loose ends. You carefully texted those friends you never talked to anymore to tell them goodbye in a somewhat carefree way and with the way they had disappeared from your life they never thought twice about that text.

Then one day you woke up. It was a bad day.You probably didn’t even want to get out of bed.  All those reasons you always gave yourself for living seemed very distant. Maybe you poured another drink sooner in the day than normal, maybe you called into work, maybe you made an excuse to stay home or in your room, all the pain seemed heavier than normal.  Then you did what you never thought you would do.  You decided life was better with you gone.  You didn’t fear death anymore because in it you finally saw relief.  You saw no more pain.  You saw that something had to be better than the way you kept living.  You knew everyone would be fine without you, probably much better off with out you.  You didn’t worry about it anymore. You wanted to find peace and the sweet release from the hurt.  You pulled the trigger, you downed the pills, you took your life into your own hands.  The next few moments probably seemed like a shadowy mix of subconscious memories.  What seemed like just moments was eternity. Probably people banging on doors, shaking you, begging you to talk, or trying to figure out how far gone you were.  Police and ambulance workers.  Some you remember – some you don’t. People saying “don’t leave me, hang on” Then things going black. Days being lost until you gained memory back.  Then you wondered was you happy you were here or sad you didn’t leave. You brushed the side of death. People probably were in disbelief that you did it and never saw it coming even though you thought to yourself how could they have missed it for the years you felt it coming.

You have obviously recovered if you are reading this. You probably went through rehab.  You gained your life back. Now life has more good days than bad.  You pull the curtains back and enjoy the sunshine. Some days you do have a bad day and some days you do feel pain. Some days you actually scare yourself by wondering if you could ever slip that far again because you never thought you could before. You never judge others anymore because you know how it feels.

Somewhere deep in your heart the pain still sits. And somewhere deep in your heart you actually still have days you ask yourself if you should have died that day.  Yes you do still wonder if you should be here.  You have moments of weakness, they are just very few.  It is okay. We are overcomers. We are the weak that were made strong. We not only saw death, felt death, but lived death. We have a right to be weak every once in awhile. We wonder how we got there – because we never thought we could be weak. It is in those moments of weakness we find our strength. Stay strong my dear friend.

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