Dear Former Best Friend

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17274291_266817467107605_1878086061_nThere was a day I thought I could not live without you. There was a day that I rushed to hit your name on my phone with every piece of news because there was no other person I wanted to share it with more.  If there were tears in my eyes I wanted nothing more but to hear your voice.  A cup of coffee with you was the best day ever.  There was a day when I was shopping and everything reminded me of you from the lime green pants, to the thin mint girl scout cookies, and even the song on the radio.

Then one day just like all the years we spent building the relationship it vanished.  I slowly came to see you in the light that perhaps you always stood.  All the years I spent giving into the relationship.  Answering the phone no matter what time day or night for you, rushing to save you from whatever mess you had landed yourself in, being there no matter what you faced in regards to all the crisis you found yourself in with your marriage. Bailing you out of financial crisis to the grief of my own financial collapse.  Then one day I needed a friend a brief moment of need and just when I thought I could rely on a person who I had been there for so many times, but that was not the case.  Much to my surprise, the years that followed proved that you never intended to be a friend the way I was for you.  My loyalty was never returned.  My heart shattered as I realized not everyone gives as I do.  Not everyone is a friend as I am.  Not everyone speaks the truth as I do.

Detangling the emotions of a friendship was almost like getting a divorce from someone you thought loved you.  Someone that used you and emotionally played you.  It took years and several attempts before I finally severed it.  My heart was left raw. Nights were spent sleepless and in tears, then slowly it started to heal.  Then one day I could talk to you again.  I could see your face without the slightest hint of emotion.  My heart grew colder. Yes, I talk to you and yes, I call you friend.  Just like you do me.  I serve you the same cold dish you served me for years.  I can brush your phone calls aside and lie about what I am doing.  I can choose not to answer your texts with urgency.  I don’t worry about whether or not you are dying because at one point I was and it didn’t even matter to you. As a matter of fact, if you were to ask me for a favor I would probably say I could do it and not even show up without the slightest remorse.  Why?  Because I have no emotional ties anymore.

It took a whole year for me to let it go and emotionally disengage from you.  To survey the damage you did.  To really see just what you had done. I have found more steady friends.  Friends who are there no matter what.  Who give back.  I found loyalty.  I found those who believe as I do.  Those who meet me for lunch or dinner or coffee.  Who answer my calls or texts.  Who don’t lie or steal or fail to keep promises.  Who don’t use friends lightly.  Those who, when I gave them recent news of things I was going through told me “we” will get through this and they have been there every step of the way with me.  They know me and I am proud to say I adore my friends now.  I found myself again.  I found love.  I found true love within me and within others.  I also found that love cannot be bought or payed for.  I found that I can live without you on speed dial or in my thoughts and that I am actually happy.

To my former best friend: Good riddance dear “friend”.  I hope you find more friends like yourself that are shallow and using; because birds of a feather usually flock together.  We can continue to pretend to be friends just like you always did.  Two can play that game now. Soon you will figure out that others are playing it even better…but to each their own. Life is all about the lessons you learn. I learned mine.

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