Yes I Am Crazy, Yes You Can Have Some

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This has been a big year for me. I woke up to a lot of the shit in my life that had been holding me back. I realized a lot. It was like an aha moment…
1501798432505Everything started making sense. When I look back to the start of the year, I can tell that getting to this place was inevitable.

I  had no idea when I wrote Crazy Bitch that I was describing narcissistic abuse… but I was.. almost as if the experiences I outlined came from a text book.

There is a lot of information online about children of narcissist and the wounds suffered but there hasn’t been much written about the dynamic that arises when an adult child of a narcissist becomes a single parent.

I plan to go there. It’s important because I know I am not the only one who has experienced this. The way the narcissistic Grandparent tries to put you in a position of being jealous of your own child by withholding love from you and focusing all their attention on the grandchild needs to be talked about. Of course many of us won’t fall for that fucked up shit but that doesn’t stop the narcissistic parent from trying.

The way the grandchild is manipulated and attempts are made to turn your child against you needs to be talked about.

The way help is offered to you under the guise of love and concern when the true motive has nothing to do with either needs to be talked about.

I’m hoping that these posts will find their way to other people who have experienced or are experiencing these types of situations. It is important to me to let people know they are not alone.

In closing I want to say that I love my parents… I do.. for who they truly are… the narcissistic personality is not them.. it emerged in an attempt to mask their pain… I believe that they do the best they can but on my journey to consciousness I saw the patterns that were playing out in my family and I have made the decision to remove myself from the game.

The scapegoat escaped.

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What Is Real?

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My most favorite storybook from childhood was The Velveteen Rabbit. Last week I saw it on a store shelf covered in a layer of dust with a clearance sticker on it and bought it to read to my little boy that night. Halfway through the story I was fighting back tears. Okay, fine. I was sobbing. As an adult, I understood the meaning behind the story. Becoming real is becoming your authentic self. I was so overwhelmed with emotion because I happen to be at that point in my life. I’m moving into this phase of living from my heart. It can’t be any other way. As it turns out, I’m not alone.

I love synchronicity. I’ve experienced a lot of that since I stopped being who I thought the world wanted me to be and started being who I really am. I tweeted about reading The Velveteen Rabbit again and understanding the meaning and a few days later Nathaniel Levisay replied to my tweet to let me know about his new project. It’s a musical retelling of The Velveteen Rabbit titled: “What is Real? The Velveteen Rabbit”.

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Paradox Girl

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17793101_1244191995617374_454664414_nMe? I am the girl your mother probably warned you about. The one who takes life by the horns and tackles it. The rebel in the crowd. The black sheep of her family. I am the one who is determined to do something just because someone told me not to and I make it a point to do it with every bit of passion I have flowing in my veins. I am the one who is running out the door with just a moment to spare, who threw her hair up in a messy bun, grabbed a not so healthy snack and cup of coffee, which if I am lucky, will stay in the cup instead of on my white pants. I am the one who barely wears makeup and could care less if I am the perfect standards of a 10 in today’s model society. I would much rather eat some ice cream, shoot some pool, and dance on a bar. I have more spunk than the most of them and yet still enough drive that when it comes down to it that I can land the job you dreamed of without even trying.

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Life Is Like A Love Song

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According to my Meyers-Briggs and my astrology report, I should have been a musician. I never did learn an instrument well enough to pull that off. I can play a little bit of guitar, a little bit of piano but that’s the extent of it unless you count my shower concerts. My favorite form of expression is visual.. digital remixing of graphics. Sometimes I incorporate music too. I’ll have lots of different graphics and take the parts of them I want to use and create something completely different. I’m constructing an image in the same way  a DJ remixes a  song. I borrow a little bit from here and there. I did it with the header image of this post. Another example:

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Artists are really just instruments themselves. Life has singers and dancers and producers and technicians. All these moving parts that come together to create a masterpiece.

“The whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts.” -Aristotle

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Stream of Consciousness

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“When composing a verse let there not be a hairs breath separating your mind from what you write; composition of a poem must be done in an instant, like a woodcutter felling a huge tree or a swordsman leaping at a dangerous enemy.”
― Bashō Matsuo

i have this feeling like the world is waking up but that is not a feeling its a thought i think do my feelings think too

black bird singing in the dead of night take these broken wings and learn to fly

i should wear my gray shirt tomorrow gray is my favorite color i felt so symbolic yesterday

i really should commit to learning an instrument and a second language maybe the drums and maybe german i know how to play the drum part from in the air tonight i think thats phil collins 

the truth is i am an instrument the hose that the water flows through

im a barbie girl in my barbie world why does that song always sneak in i hate that song life in plastic its fantastic it tends to take over

oh here comes another hey little girl is your daddy home did he go and leave you all alone you cool my desire oh oh oh im on fire

i think it is so weird that some of the songs that randomly play in my head end up being by an artist who is dead 2 or 3 days after the song pops in my head

i wonder if i am a mind murderer like do i kill people with my thoughts oh god i can’t even entertain it

why do i keep seeing an old time typewriter that says oliver maybe oliver twist

shit what if i really do commit murders with my mind im feeling pretty anxious now i should go be with my breath

all your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise

I know, I know. “What the fuck is wrong with her?” Nothing. Absolutely nothing. That was just the unedited outpouring of my thoughts. It’s called Stream of Consciousness. I can turn it off and tune to other stations and that has filled many of my journal pages over the years. That is how I wrote THIS post. Being so open and honest is quite shocking to people who are conditioned to lie about how they feel and be nice just for the sake of being nice. I died a little more every day when I was still about that life. Thank God I saw the light.

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THE REAL YOU

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The Real You by Alan Watts 

“If you’re ready to wake up, you’re going to wake up and if you’re not ready, you’re going to stay pretending that you’re just “poor little me”. And since you’re all here and engaged in this sort of inquiry and listening to this sort of lecture, I assume that you’re all on the process of waking up or else you’re teasing yourself with some kind of flirtation with waking up which you’re not serious about.

But I assume maybe you are not serious, but sincere that you are ready to wake up. So then, when you’re in the way of waking up and finding out who you really are, what you do is what the whole universe is doing at the place you call here and now.

You are something the whole universe is doing in the same way that a wave is something that the whole ocean is doing. The real you is not a puppet which life pushes around. The real, deep down you is the whole universe.

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Woke As Hell

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“Woke as hell.” I could seriously punch something when I hear someone utter that sentence. But why? Because I think it is a dumb thing to say. But why? Because I ASSUME the people who say it have no real idea what it means to wake up and I associate it with disrespect. But why? I know the amount of work that goes into the process and I feel it should be revered with a tremendous amount of respect. It is divine. So, what does something someone else says have to do with me? Nothing. See how much time I just wasted?

I spent all of my life, up until last weekend focused on others much, much more than I focused on myself. Rarely critical of others, highly critical of myself. I had no idea. I have been in a fog floating down a river of lies.

I woke up to a reality that I had been unaware of. That’s the thing. We are unaware that we are unaware. Finally. Finally I saw it. Codependency patterns in my family -the reason I have been insecure, sought validation outside myself, didn’t trust myself and didn’t feel entitled to my own experience. All codependency issues. I say I saw through my download. Download being the information my parents passed down to me and the beliefs I formed in childhood. The truth: I am enough. I can trust myself, I don’t need anyone to validate my experience. I am entitled to my experience.

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