As 2016 came to an end, I was deep into the monotonous routine of day-to-day life. If anyone asked how I was doing, I would have politely told them “fine” because I truly thought that I was. I mean, looking back now, there were signs. There were definitely signs. I was in the thick of it though so I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.
January rolled around, I turned 33 and was suddenly very aware of the numbness that had enveloped my whole being. With an awareness of the numb, came an awareness of the cause of it. An almost intolerable misery that had taken over. I was NOT happy and I couldn’t even really say why.
February. This is when things got scary. I felt very strongly that I. WANTED. TO. DIE. Off myself. I’m talking about suicide. Specifically, I wanted to drown. So out of character for me. 1) I know how to swim and 2) no matter how bad things have gotten I never had suicidal thoughts like that. Suddenly and out of nowhere they came with such frequency and persistence. Sweet death how much longer will you evade me? Death. Glorious darkness. You are the one guarantee. I can be positive you will not stand me up. You’re already on your way…
Another beautiful piece from Jules. She doesn’t know this but she is the person who first sparked my interest in writing. When my dad was involved in a near fatal car accident in 2003 she wrote about the experience of watching him wheeled into surgery with the Ambu-bag breathing for him and when I read her words I was relieved and comforted. I was suddenly so aware that although I was terrified we would lose him and I felt tremendous pain, I was not alone and someone understood. -missy
406 days. 406 days since she exited this plane of existence for one free from pain and suffering and the chains of an earthbound world. Seems like 406 years and then again it seems like yesterday. I can still see her in my mind; see her laughing and saying “Jules!” about something outrageous I proposed. For a long time after she died I couldn’t remember what her laugh sounded like. I could see her in my mind, but the movie had no sound or plot or middle or beginning or end.