As 2016 came to an end, I was deep into the monotonous routine of day-to-day life. If anyone asked how I was doing, I would have politely told them “fine” because I truly thought that I was. I mean, looking back now, there were signs. There were definitely signs. I was in the thick of it though so I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.
January rolled around, I turned 33 and was suddenly very aware of the numbness that had enveloped my whole being. With an awareness of the numb, came an awareness of the cause of it. An almost intolerable misery that had taken over. I was NOT happy and I couldn’t even really say why.
February. This is when things got scary. I felt very strongly that I. WANTED. TO. DIE. Off myself. I’m talking about suicide. Specifically, I wanted to drown. So out of character for me. 1) I know how to swim and 2) no matter how bad things have gotten I never had suicidal thoughts like that. Suddenly and out of nowhere they came with such frequency and persistence. Sweet death how much longer will you evade me? Death. Glorious darkness. You are the one guarantee. I can be positive you will not stand me up. You’re already on your way…
According to my Meyers-Briggs and my astrology report, I should have been a musician. I never did learn an instrument well enough to pull that off. I can play a little bit of guitar, a little bit of piano but that’s the extent of it unless you count my shower concerts. My favorite form of expression is visual.. digital remixing of graphics. Sometimes I incorporate music too. I’ll have lots of different graphics and take the parts of them I want to use and create something completely different. I’m constructing an image in the same way a DJ remixes a song. I borrow a little bit from here and there. I did it with the header image of this post. Another example:
Artists are really just instruments themselves. Life has singers and dancers and producers and technicians. All these moving parts that come together to create a masterpiece.
“The whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts.” -Aristotle
In the busy hustle of life I rarely take time to breathe. I rarely take time to notice the small things in life I should appreciate. When is the last time I savored the smell of the coffee as it brewed in the morning and the warmth of the cup that I held in my hand? Or did I dash out the door with my travel mug of instant made coffee only to sip it once it was cold because Monday morning was crazy at the office? When is the last time I enjoyed the fact that I dropped my kids off to school watching them barrel out of the car with their book bags? Or did I rush them out because I was late getting to work? When did I notice the beautiful sunshine coming in the windows of my car or sing along to the radio while the wind whistled in my open windows? Or did I yell at the driver in front of me because I was trying to get to another appointment in record time?
Some people are so insanely scared of their emotions… so totally and completely disconnected from that process that they will make you think something is wrong with you when you express emotion. DON’T LET THEM DO THAT.
They’ll say shit like: “It’s not anything to cry about.”
Maybe not to you but if you could feel the crushing pain inside my chest threatening to pull me to the ground, you would have fallen a long time ago. It is real and it is intense and it is happening regardless of your acceptance. I BRING THE FEELS.
It’s like I’m feeling things out and suddenly in comes the fear a person projects on to me when they choose to blame me for their discomfort by saying MY tears are not justified.
“False, alarm feelings.. you can pack it up now. That was just a fire drill.”
I am fucking sick of being told it’s not okay. Telling someone there is no reason to cry as tears pour down their face is the same as saying they are overreacting.
How can people say they love you but deny that your experience is even valid? That is exactly what a person does when they tell you that you have no reason to feel the way you do, that you are over reacting or that there is nothing to cry about.
That doesn’t feel like love.. because it’s not. Not at all.
My earliest childhood memory is a “paranormal” experience. Age 3. I can remember so many details about the home I lived in and the people in my life. My Mom and Dad were still married. My dad had this perfect 80’s beard going but still rocked the 70’s hair. My mom was so delicate and tiny. Like a little fairy. Like me. I remember the way all of the furniture was arranged and which door led to which room.
My mother and I were both pretty shocked by the accuracy of those details when I spontaneously recalled the memory at age 14. There were two spirits I saw during that period and I am pretty sure they were within the same 24 hour period. I can’t be certain though. Time isn’t real anyway. Doesn’t matter.
There was a lady in a white dress with long black hair that I saw standing at the foot of my bed when I woke from sleep in the middle of the night, and a shadow figure I spotted hunched over in the living room floor. His shape mimicked that of the thinker statue but he was solid black. There was low lighting in the living room. He was much darker than the surroundings. I was wide awake when I saw him.
It has been a really warm February in Mississippi. Along with the weather, my insides began to heat up and cause tremendous discomfort. I can feel the weather in my stomach. I am aware of how crazy that sounds. Done caring how I sound. When there is a sudden temperature spike or drop and when the wind blows I can feel it inside me. Storms too. It isn’t hard for me to understand. Real simple actually.
Emotions are just like the weather. They come and are processed, or not. They can change in the blink of an eye and wreak havoc if not properly channeled. Problems arise when emotions are never processed and start controlling all of your behaviors. But how can you process something when you don’t even believe it is okay to feel the way you do? You can’t.
I haven’t wanted to leave my house for almost a year. It requires a tremendous amount of energy and my energy tank’s low fuel light came on a long time ago.