Everlasting Love

Standard

IMG_3059

I was 4 years old the first time I fell in love. His name was Mackie and he was older. I would sit at my window and watch him throw the baseball with his Dad. My mom has told me that after some time I worked out when he would be outside and I would go to the window a few minutes before and call out to him. “Mackie, oh Mackie where are you? Mackie, I love you.” Sometimes he would look at me and wave. I experienced our “romance” from the inside looking out and he experienced it from the outside looking in.

Something I have heard so often in my life: “You’re too young to know what love is.” To that I say BULLSHIT. Love knows no age. Mackie was the most uncomplicated romance I have ever participated in.

Relationships are challenging and lately I’ve struggled to get to the core of what makes them so difficult. There are tons of relationship experts and websites that take a lot of your money to give you information about compatibility or match you with someone who is right for you and yada yada yada…

When you get to the heart of it compatibility is just a word and like so many other words we assign it a certain meaning without realizing how clinging to meanings can limit us.

We enter into new relationships completely enchanted by the other person and their magic but after some time we expect their magic to be the same as our magic. We expect them to be just like us. And so begins the power struggle.

Realizing the other person is not like us, we usually try to become more like them. And in some cases the roles switch and they try to become more like us. This dance can go back and forth for a while. When none of this works we either call it quits or we cheat and then we repeat the same pattern with a new partner.

By not honoring one another’s individual magic we are poisoning the foundation on which the relationship is built. I have to question if there is a need inside of us to have someone love us exactly as we love do we truly love ourselves?

In healthy relationships there is an equal amount of give and take. Two people have the ability to put themselves to the side for a moment and tune their dial to match the frequency of their partner. But if you have never known a healthy relationship it can be near impossible to recognize an unhealthy relationship.

So say your partner is the logical, practical type and you are the artistic, emotional, head in the clouds type. Your partner brings you your coffee every morning and works 10 hour days to earn a nice income and support you but emotionally they lack the expressive nature that is so deeply engrained in you. Because they don’t give of their love the same way you do you begin to believe it doesn’t exist. At least not to the degree that your love exists.

They are loving you SO HARD in their own way but because you lack the ability to see it you are frustrated.

You tell them you feel unloved. They feel utterly insulted… “but I work 10 hours a day to provide for you. I bring coffee to you every morning when I wake you. I lock all the doors at night to make sure you are safe.”

Since you show your love in words and romantic expression you do not recognize these things your partner has pointed out as love. You tell them their way of loving is wrong. The truth is you are wrong. The problem is you think you are right. (By “you” I mean me too).

17759718_1249233365113237_3764898259635339559_n

This is where it ends.

Standard

165724194

I’m stuck. I’m almost 32 years old, and I am still stuck when I try to tell the story of how my sexuality was shaped. I envy people who can freely talk about such things. It’s just not something that comes easily to me. Some days I wish I could have an open and engaging conversation about sexuality just like I can about Star Trek. God, that would make life so much easier.

For so long in my life, I thought that sex was something to be feared or ashamed of. From the first moment that I was asked not to “tell, cause then we will just get into trouble…” to this very moment, I have been one twisted, mental fuck-up when it comes to anything sexual. And that really, really sucks.

Continue reading

Before You Go…

Standard

10303176_723223681047544_101517070328805995_n

Remember that kid? The one who thought you hung the moon… Mom said when I was born and I finally opened my eyes, it was you who was holding me. I saw you first. The first time I questioned your involvement in the hanging of the moon was the night I heard you and Mom fighting. She was crying SO hard and you were telling her she was making a fool of herself and that she was crazy. I was very young but I laid in my bed and listened to you and I cried with her. I didn’t understand how you could be so cruel. She loved you so much. I thought: If I were her I would slap him. As an adult I understand that her emotional vulnerability threatened you. Just like mine does now that I am all grown up.

Continue reading

Manipulate Me Not

Standard

18034034_1263222143714359_7183327778938019197_n

For over a year I wouldn’t chase my dreams because I had this idea that I could never be taken seriously. The reason I did not believe I could be taken seriously is because I’m pretty. Yes, I think I am pretty. No, I’m not ashamed to say it. No, that does not make me conceited. If you are reading this and you do not believe you are pretty, YOU ARE WRONG 

SO, I honestly believed that nobody could ever TRULY appreciate my mind. If they appeared to, it was just a cover… an act for what they really wanted… my sex. I used to be told to believe that any time a person mistreated me or did something to hurt me it was because they were jealous because I was prettier than them…. belief courtesy of my darling mother. Fortunately for myself and humankind, I never fully bought into that one. Although to some extent I believe she has a point.

Continue reading

Fate

Standard

17622821_274033469719338_1057144625_o

Sometimes you find

Just what you need

When you aren’t really looking

For Anything.

Continue reading

Bird’s Eye View

Standard

birds-eye-view

We all have a unique vibrational frequency and we attract people into our lives who match our frequency. If we have a need to be loved out of an insecurity we have codependent tendencies (victims) and we will always attract people with narcissistic tendencies (abusers). It is a karmic, energy sucking cycle that we repeat over and over and over again until we 1- realize what is happening and 2- make a conscious effort to heal ourselves. This dynamic is a social cancer and honest communication with ourselves and others is the only hope we have if we want to cure it.

Continue reading

Arizona – Letting Go

Standard

17410136_269119290210756_79919143_n

I wrote this based on a personal experience with a close friend who decided to move across the country for a time period to try and find themselves and it hurt me inside due to me letting go.  It was necessary and expected.  I put my feelings into words to try to sort out my heart…

Continue reading