I was 4 years old the first time I fell in love. His name was Mackie and he was older. I would sit at my window and watch him throw the baseball with his Dad. My mom has told me that after some time I worked out when he would be outside and I would go to the window a few minutes before and call out to him. “Mackie, oh Mackie where are you? Mackie, I love you.” Sometimes he would look at me and wave. I experienced our “romance” from the inside looking out and he experienced it from the outside looking in.
Something I have heard so often in my life: “You’re too young to know what love is.” To that I say BULLSHIT. Love knows no age. Mackie was the most uncomplicated romance I have ever participated in.
Relationships are challenging and lately I’ve struggled to get to the core of what makes them so difficult. There are tons of relationship experts and websites that take a lot of your money to give you information about compatibility or match you with someone who is right for you and yada yada yada…
When you get to the heart of it compatibility is just a word and like so many other words we assign it a certain meaning without realizing how clinging to meanings can limit us.
I never imagined I would be publicly discussing sex but here I am.. all empowered and unashamed. So… where to begin… Hmmm..
I didn’t have an orgasm until I was 21 years old. I had faked plenty prior to that but up to that point, I was having sex that was permitted but not wanted. In other words, I was only agreeing to it out of a desperate need to be loved… so of course I didn’t enjoy allowing someone to use me.
It wasn’t until I was with someone who truly understood my body and cared as much about first, me as a person but also as much about my pleasure as his own that it finally happened for me. Before then I really didn’t see what all the fuss was about. I was always glad for it to end quickly.
We have been conditioned to believe that sexual pleasure is bad or evil. That’s a load of shit, guys. Orgasms are pure. I think on some level I had been holding on to some shame. I say I’m immune to shame and although on the surface that appears to be true, deep down I had lacked the ability to let go.
I know it’s been a while. I’ve been with the soul searching.. and over the weekend I experienced something so absolutely insane that I decided I should come out of hibernation and document it.
Saturday morning I went to do the grocery shopping. I was standing in line and as you saw from my tweet… someone skipped line and the guy behind me was furious. I actually pulled out my phone and tweeted about it because he was awkwardly lecturing me about how life would not go well for me if I kept letting people walk all over me. I told him that was not the case. “The universe is water sir, it likes to flow. So if someone skips me in line, I just accept that and consider perhaps I needed to be delayed by a few minutes. If you have been so horribly inconvenienced please, go ahead of me.” So he did.
I paid for my things and left the store in time to see him squeal tires leaving the parking lot and made it to the intersection by my house just as his ambulance was arriving. Someone ran the red light and t boned his small sports car. It was smashed to bits and he was conscious but bleeding.
I got through the intersection, pulled my car to the side of the road and burst into tears. THAT shit just happened.
I bet he will remember me for the rest of his life.
I’m stuck. I’m almost 32 years old, and I am still stuck when I try to tell the story of how my sexuality was shaped. I envy people who can freely talk about such things. It’s just not something that comes easily to me. Some days I wish I could have an open and engaging conversation about sexuality just like I can about Star Trek. God, that would make life so much easier.
For so long in my life, I thought that sex was something to be feared or ashamed of. From the first moment that I was asked not to “tell, cause then we will just get into trouble…” to this very moment, I have been one twisted, mental fuck-up when it comes to anything sexual. And that really, really sucks.
As coincidences go, I was gathering stories to cover for sexual assault awareness month and reconnected with a friend of mine from school. Meet Heather:
How adorable is she? Heather mentioned that she loved the posts from our site and so I asked what she had been up to. I know a lot of you are familiar with Younique. It’s the company with the amazing cosmetics. I’m sure at least one of your Facebook friends sales Younique. What you probably did not know is that Youinque has a non-profit called The Younique Foundation. This foundation supports survivors of childhood sexual abuse through The Haven Retreat. This 4 day retreat focuses on activities that help survivors of sexual abuse in their healing. From their website:
Heather impressed me so much. I was so proud to hear her speak about her work and the pride she takes in it.
“I’ve had a blast doing this. People think I’m doing this just for money but it’s so much more! The mission of the company is to uplift, empower, and validate women!!!” Heather Collins
I contacted Heather to let her know I was about to finish up this post and she informed me that she was giving away all of her commission this month to another classmate of ours who is having a difficult time. I have tears pouring down my face right now. This is Hunter Black:
Hunter and I went to school together and he is seriously one of the good ones. We were even boyfriend and girlfriend for a whole week in 7th grade! Hunter was diagnosed with Lyme Disease after being bitten by a tick in the summer of 2007. A campaign has been created through Youcaring.com to accept donations for Hunter’s care. From the Youcaring site:
Remember that kid? The one who thought you hung the moon… Mom said when I was born and I finally opened my eyes, it was you who was holding me. I saw you first. The first time I questioned your involvement in the hanging of the moon was the night I heard you and Mom fighting. She was crying SO hard and you were telling her she was making a fool of herself and that she was crazy. I was very young but I laid in my bed and listened to you and I cried with her. I didn’t understand how you could be so cruel. She loved you so much. I thought: If I were her I would slap him. As an adult I understand that her emotional vulnerability threatened you. Just like mine does now that I am all grown up.