Most Awkward Human Being Alive

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The first time I met with my therapist he was telling me that because of my upbringing, I have been in fight or flight mode for most of my life. I was devastated by this and because of that I started feeling awkward. So what did I do? I BURST INTO SONG. Should I Stay Or Should I Go by The Clash seemed most appropriate. And what did he do? STARTED SINGING ALONG WITH ME.

Thank God for the awkward.

Yes I Am Crazy, Yes You Can Have Some

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This has been a big year for me. I woke up to a lot of the shit in my life that had been holding me back. I realized a lot. It was like an aha moment…
1501798432505Everything started making sense. When I look back to the start of the year, I can tell that getting to this place was inevitable.

I  had no idea when I wrote Crazy Bitch that I was describing narcissistic abuse… but I was.. almost as if the experiences I outlined came from a text book.

There is a lot of information online about children of narcissist and the wounds suffered but there hasn’t been much written about the dynamic that arises when an adult child of a narcissist becomes a single parent.

I plan to go there. It’s important because I know I am not the only one who has experienced this. The way the narcissistic Grandparent tries to put you in a position of being jealous of your own child by withholding love from you and focusing all their attention on the grandchild needs to be talked about. Of course many of us won’t fall for that fucked up shit but that doesn’t stop the narcissistic parent from trying.

The way the grandchild is manipulated and attempts are made to turn your child against you needs to be talked about.

The way help is offered to you under the guise of love and concern when the true motive has nothing to do with either needs to be talked about.

I’m hoping that these posts will find their way to other people who have experienced or are experiencing these types of situations. It is important to me to let people know they are not alone.

In closing I want to say that I love my parents… I do.. for who they truly are… the narcissistic personality is not them.. it emerged in an attempt to mask their pain… I believe that they do the best they can but on my journey to consciousness I saw the patterns that were playing out in my family and I have made the decision to remove myself from the game.

The scapegoat escaped.

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Bird’s Eye View

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We all have a unique vibrational frequency and we attract people into our lives who match our frequency. If we have a need to be loved out of an insecurity we have codependent tendencies (victims) and we will always attract people with narcissistic tendencies (abusers). It is a karmic, energy sucking cycle that we repeat over and over and over again until we 1- realize what is happening and 2- make a conscious effort to heal ourselves. This dynamic is a social cancer and honest communication with ourselves and others is the only hope we have if we want to cure it.

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SUCK IT

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Get your head out of the gutter. I’m talking about energy. Ever heard of energy vampires? They live. Energy vamps feed off of other people’s energy. Some are totally obvious like bullies and sexual predators. I was never really aware of the more subtle forms of energy theft. FULL DISCLOSURE: I’ve been a victim and a villain. Most of us have. They say once you have been “bitten”, you must bite someone else. I can totally see how this happens.

Before I established some boundaries, my beautifully dysfunctional family used to consistently call me to bitch about one another. It exhausted me. I was truly unaware of the degree to which I had been affected. I would usually end a call with a member of the fam then turn around and call  my Bestie (What up, Parker!). I would always “vent” to her but in reality, I was just stealing energy from her to compensate for what had been taken from me.

When I realized what was happening, I was horrified. I wanted to cover some of the more subtle forms of energy theft for those who are like I was -without a clue. It’s not okay to bite, guys. Hopefully this will help anyone who is biting to be more aware or for those who are consistently bitten, now you know what is happening and you can passively aggressively share this to social media to let your vampires know you are on to them. Please note, covert energy vampires are more than likely unconscious of the theft. I wasn’t aware of it until I just was. We are unaware that we are unaware.

Here are 14 of the most common types of subtle energy vampires.

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Woke As Hell

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“Woke as hell.” I could seriously punch something when I hear someone utter that sentence. But why? Because I think it is a dumb thing to say. But why? Because I ASSUME the people who say it have no real idea what it means to wake up and I associate it with disrespect. But why? I know the amount of work that goes into the process and I feel it should be revered with a tremendous amount of respect. It is divine. So, what does something someone else says have to do with me? Nothing. See how much time I just wasted?

I spent all of my life, up until last weekend focused on others much, much more than I focused on myself. Rarely critical of others, highly critical of myself. I had no idea. I have been in a fog floating down a river of lies.

I woke up to a reality that I had been unaware of. That’s the thing. We are unaware that we are unaware. Finally. Finally I saw it. Codependency patterns in my family -the reason I have been insecure, sought validation outside myself, didn’t trust myself and didn’t feel entitled to my own experience. All codependency issues. I say I saw through my download. Download being the information my parents passed down to me and the beliefs I formed in childhood. The truth: I am enough. I can trust myself, I don’t need anyone to validate my experience. I am entitled to my experience.

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